This is probably my final blog post.
Once the information I disclose on this post goes out, it is quite likely that the forces arrayed against me will stop at nothing to destroy me. My reputation will be smothered under a feather pillow, my finances will be encased in carbonite, and my life will be harshly wiped out like a first grader aggressively obliterating his misspelling of “spaghetti” with one of those giant pink erasers.
But the truth must be known, regardless of the impact it has on my life or my blog, because the implications of what is happening are bigger than any simple blogger.
As Skipper told Dusty in Planes, a movie that was not a cash grab at all…
“Volo Pro Veritas”.
Or in this case, Blog Pro Veritas.
I Blog for Truth.
And so, regardless of the consequences, it is time to pull back the veil on a phantomy group of menacing people – a phantom menace, if you will – and let everyone into their dark world once and for all.
The Blogschild Family Meeting
Every summer, high in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, at a secluded retreat center far away from the eyes of the rest of the world, a secret meeting of bloggers takes place.
This meeting – which is being exposed here for the first time – is called The Blogschild Family Meeting.
The retreat center where The Blogschild Family Meeting takes place has multiple layers of protection to keep out the meddlesome fingers of the mainstream media or the smart phone cameras of youtube video stars who can’t tell the difference between blogging and vlogging.
Bond-style armed guards man the gates; roving packs of hungry shihtzu puppies are released onto the grounds during meetings; laser-guided heat-seeking hard-soled shoetraps are scattered throughout the surrounding forest, and those shoes really hurt if you get smacked by them.
And make no mistake, if you try to come uninvited, you will get smacked.
The meeting is virtually impenetrable and only a small, tightknit siblinghood of bloggers are welcome.
At these meetings, the bloggers update their dastardly plans to control the world, vote on the blogs with the nicest layouts, and strategize what misleading and outright false stories they will be creating in the coming months to up their hit counts and increase their fortunes.
There’s also an ever-flowing chocolate fountain and mounds of fresh strawberries, which make it quite a nice affair, unless you complain non-stop about how much you dislike strawberries and why can’t they have cherries, like that guy with the Star Wars blog that won’t stop complaining about midichlorians.
Just eat a stinking strawberry, Boba-TK421!
“But what does this have to do with me?” you ask. “Who cares about a bunch of loser bloggers getting together? They do that at Comic-Con in front of everyone, and nobody thinks twice about it.”
This has everything to do with you.
And maybe nobody cares, but everyone should.
And hopefully everyone will.
Why? Because this secret meeting is the reason why your social media feeds are filled with stories like this:
And most recently, this…
That’s right. These are all a part of the Grand Design of the Bloggers of the Blogschild Family Meeting, wherein they find or create non-stories and build them into huge stories that will be passed around from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram to Pinterest to MySpace to Google+ to AOL, and then set about doing what they do best:
Blog about it.
Stir the pot.
Enrage the masses.
The more extreme they can be in their blog responses, the better, because the more extreme blogs will always get shared.
You’ve seen it before, haven’t you? A story starts to go viral, and multiple bloggers come out in force to respond to the story. Then, like sheep running over a cliff, readers knock each other down in their hurry to share the half-read article, and then the cycle continues once more.
Share, blog, share, reblog, reshare, rereblog, rereshare, and on and on it goes until the story burns itself out. Then we get a new story and start the machine back up again.
It’s insidious. And elegant. And subversive. And cute, in a way. It’s The Ultimate Mind-Control Weapon™ that the bloggers of Blogschild have been developing for years. Some say this technique goes back to psychological warfare techniques developed during the Cold War to keep the masses believing that they were really cold.
And social media is their most helpful tool, because for the user, it gives you the feeling that you are actually the one in control, that you are sharing that rage-inducing story by choice, when in actuality, it is all by design.
Being a junior member of this secret society for the past couple of years, I’ve reached a point where I can no longer sit idly by and let it happen. I’m overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, seeing the way we manipulate everyone to produce such anger and vitriol, whether it’s about a kid building a clock in Texas, a mall replacing a pagan Christmas tree with a pagan glacier, or theories why Luke isn’t in the trailer for Episode VII. It’s such a vile misuse of the gifts that we’ve been given.
And it must stop.
So now, I am going to do the unthinkable, and breach the trust I was given when I signed an oath in V8 juice while wearing a horse-head mask in a secret ceremony in the secret upstairs bathroom of the secret retreat center that July night two years ago.
I’m going to set you free. With the truth. Because truth has a way of doing that, if you let it.
Thimblerig’s Five Ways To Fight The Blogschild Bloggers And Their Attempts To Take Over The Minds Of The World With Their Incessant Blogging About Controversial Topics That Nobody Would Ever Care About Otherwise…
1) Don’t Click Clickbait
Titles with numbers, titles that are incomplete followed by an ellipses…, stories with pictures of sexy ladies or gentlemen, titles that include the words “You won’t believe!” or “Shocker!”, titles that shout about some sort of injustice…
The Blogschilds have spent years perfecting these sorts of titles, and rewiring the clicking part of your brain to make you feel like you must click on them. The first way to take their power is by refusing their manipulative tricks!
2) Read The Entire Article
Another thing that the Blogschilds count on is that you will not read all of anything they publish, so they frontload their article with all sorts of provocation, and then leave all the common sense tacked on the end (if, indeed, including any common sense at all), because they know you’ll never read to the end anyway.
3) Don’t Share Immediately
Yes, I know that you want to be the first to share the sensational new story with the rest of the world, but fight the urge! If the story deserves to be around more than 48 hours, it will still be there in two days. It’s not like you get paid for providing content for your friends. Actually, you are often helping someone else get paid by providing clickbait for your friends, and you’re doing it for free!
4) If You Break #3, Avoid Taking A Position
You can’t help yourself, the story is just too juicy to not share, so you do so immediately. Okay, but if the story is that fresh, there are probably many details you don’t know. So avoid taking a position. Share it, ask your friends their thoughts, and leave it at that. The Blogschilds love when people reply emotionally on the spur of the moment, because then other people will immediately click to see what you’re so riled up about.
And each click = $$$ for a Blogschild blog.
And finally, the last dirty little tip that the Blogschilds really don’t want you to consider.
Well, not just the Blogschilds, but also Facebook and Google and Amazon and Netflix and Twitter and Instagram and Microsoft and Apple and IBM and Verizon and Comcast and just about everyone else (maybe even the Rothschilds themselves) – none of them want you to consider this as an option.
5) Get Off The Internet. Just Get Off It!
This is going to make me sound like a grumpy old man, but do you realize that just a few short years ago, there was no such thing as an internet? People read books, and wrote books, and played games, and took walks, and slept, and talked, and, and, and…
…and they survived. They were fine. They were happy sometimes, and sad sometimes, and didn’t feel the urge to tell everyone how they felt, or what they ate, or what they thought about every possible subject under the stars and moon and sky.
It’ll be really hard at first, because that’s what the Blogschild bloggers want it to be, but eventually, you might even come to enjoy not being under their control.
My hope is that this expose will go viral, and that everyone will share it with all of their friends and followers on all of their different social media outlets, and that when it reaches the point of returning to my fellow bloggers, it will have a different effect.
Rather than blowing things out of proportion again, and giving their blown-out-of-proportion articles provocative click-bait titles like, “5 Reasons Why The Thimblerig Blog Will Ruin Your Pet’s Sex Life,” that they will stop…
…and take a look in the mirror…
…and see their consciences looking back, rather than the power and outrageous fortunes that they are amassing as they slowly take over the world.
And by the way, to the other bloggers of the Blogschild Family Meeting, before you consider coming after me, you should know that I have video from the little “musical number” that our leaders put on at last year’s meeting.
Trust me. You want that video to stay hidden.
My apologies for the large number of Star Wars references in this blog post, but I hope Boba-TK421 got the message.