Farewell, Star Wars

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Dear Sirs,

I’m shaking. I’m sitting here, shaking.

I just returned home from seeing the latest Star Wars movie, and I am physically shaking due to a mixture of anger, resentment, disappointment, and a desperate feeling of opportunities lost. I’ve never had such a visceral negative reaction to a movie or any sort of entertainment. Undoubtedly the reaction I’m experiencing is proof positive of my level of commitment and love for the amazing story that took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Now, that commitment and love has been called into question, and it’s rocked me to my core.

Before I continue, allow me a moment to prove my credibility. I saw Star Wars in the theater 26 times back in 1977, three times in one day at one point. I had every toy Kenner released, including the Boba Fett mail-in action figure. I read every comic and novel, multiple times. I’ve even written a series of my own Star Wars stories, imagining what happens to our heroes as they branch out in their fight against the evil Empire.

I sent a couple of my best stories to Lucasfilm, and how I wish they would have incorporated my ideas into this movie rather than sending me a condescending “thanks but no thanks” letter. If they would have listened to me, then this could have been a much different review. As it is, I have to say goodbye to what was a wonderful entertainment experience for the past three years.

And it’s all because of the travesty that was The Empire Strikes Back.

I slept outside of the Hollywood Paramount with about five hundred other suckers for three nights to see this abomination. And it started out as such a positive experience! The atmosphere was festive, joyous, and full of life. People dressed as their favorite characters, showed off their homemade light sabers, and hypothesized about what we would see when the movie rolled. You could almost feel everyone bound together by the light side of the Force. But when it was over, it was as if the dark side had won, taking everything good in the world with it. At first I felt numb, but that numbness quickly gave way to anger.

That’s where I am now, thus the shaking.

[If you haven’t seen this movie yet, understand that I’m going to be talking about specific details. But even still, I encourage you to go ahead and read it and find out why you shouldn’t see The Empire Strikes Back. Save yourself three dollars. Trust me, you don’t want to contribute any more to the degradation of Star Wars.]

1. Darth Vader is Luke’s WHAT?

Has there been a movie villain that has provoked more fear and awe then Darth Vader? And what an incredible set up when Ben Kenobi tells Luke that Vader was responsible for the death of his father. It gave Luke such motivation to go after the Dark Lord and show him the power of the light side with the business end of a light saber.

But no, that’s not good enough for the hacks that made this movie. They completely screw it up by having Darth Vader claim to be Luke’s father.

Yes, you read that right. Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, is apparently the father of the hero of the Rebellion, Luke Skywalker.

Image-0-Header-1536x864-863587051769Did the filmmakers even read Splinter of the Mind’s Eye? Vader is pure evil. Evil personified. He murders people without thought, including Luke’s father, and that’s not just conjecture… it’s what Luke was told by the only known Jedi Knight. Are you seriously telling me that Ben Kenobi would lie to an innocent kid like Luke? It calls into question everything that happened in the first movie, and that is an inexcusable betrayal. “For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic”, and now they are a bunch of liars?

“Maybe Darth Vader is the one who is lying!” Of course that is an option, but if that is what Lucas is getting at, it MAKES NO SENSE. What would be the point of Vader telling Luke such a lie? How does it help him to defeat the Rebellion? Unfortunately, we don’t know, and that’s because of my second criticism.

2. The Movie Doesn’t End

When the screen went black and the credits started showing, everyone in the Paramount sat stunned. What? They didn’t save Han? We don’t know if Darth Vader is lying? What kind of a movie doesn’t end?

What should have happened (if this were a good movie) is that Luke arrives at Cloud City in time to save Han, and then they all get away from the Empire, maybe injuring Darth Vader or killing Boba Fett in the process. It’s such an easy concept! But these morons decided to end without giving the audience a resolution. We DON’T learn what Darth Vader was really up to, and the good guys are just continuing to run from the bad guys like they did all movie. No victory, no climax, no ending.

I’m no screenwriter or movie director, but that is just bad filmmaking. The cynical side of me thinks that it’s just their way of making sure people come back to see what happens in their next movie, to make sure that we throw away even more of our hard-earned cash. Nice try, Mr. Lucas, but you can bet that I won’t be anywhere near your theaters when you come back to betray us once again in 1983.

Speaking of being betrayed, my third criticism is about an unfulfilled promise.

3. Luke and Leia

One of the greatest things about Star Wars was the idea that an average boy could rescue a princess, fall in love, and maybe get married one day. [Once again, read Splinter of the Mind’s Eye to see the correct direction this story should have taken.] It’s what the audience wants! The boy and the princess! Not what The Empire Strikes Back gives us – the princess and the pirate.

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Ignoring what the audience obviously wants, Lucas tears the boy and the princess apart in the first twenty minutes, and then has the princess fall into the arms of the pirate while the boy flies across the galaxy to talk to a frog in a swamp. I’m sorry – I know Han Solo is cool, but he IS NOT SUPPOSED TO GET THE PRINCESS. It doesn’t make any sense!

At least we left the theater with a hope that Luke might get Leia back. I have to admit that one of the good things about the terrible cliffhanger idea was that Han is out of the picture, giving Luke the opportunity to properly woo his princess. However, even as I write that, I know that this is not what Lucas and company will do, because it’s WHAT HIS AUDIENCE WANTS HIM TO DO. It’s like he made this movie with the intention of angering the very people that made Star Wars the biggest box office hit ever (almost $300,000,000! Can you imagine?).

This brings me to my third criticism.

3. The Swamp Frog

To understand this next bit of criticism, you have to remember what happened in Star Wars. The only person who could teach Luke about The Force was Ben Kenobi (our “only hope”), but he dies at the end of that movie. Yes, Luke hears Ben’s voice in the Death Star trench, but he doesn’t offer to teach Luke as a disembodied voice. In The Empire Strikes Back, we find that he has NOT been teaching Luke, which seems odd since Ben can appear as a ghost. Why hasn’t he been ghost-teaching him for the past three years? We don’t know, but that sort of plot hole apparently doesn’t matter to Lucas.

00muppstarsWhat Ben does do is tell Luke to go find Yoda, supposedly a great jedi, on a faraway planet, and so as soon as Luke is able, he goes. So far, so good. Luke (and the audience) expects to find a powerful warrior on this faraway planet, but instead he finds a frog in a swamp. And not just a frog, but a Muppet frog with a speech impediment. Seriously – a Muppet frog! And to underline this ridiculous turn of events, Lucas even brought in the voice of Miss Piggy and Fozzie the Bear to provide the Muppet frog’s voice! I kept expecting him to put on a tie and fedora and do a stand-up routine, or sing “Easy It’s Not Being Green” while playing a space banjo.

Speaking of color, this brings me to final critique.

4. Politics in Space

Apparently, some people complained that Star Wars wasn’t diverse enough (did these people not see all of the aliens in the cantina? How is that not diverse?), and so of course, Lucas bowed to pressure and included a token black character in this movie. Was this really necessary?  What’s next? Women fighting stormtroopers? Asian or Hispanic generals running the Rebellion?

George Lucas, Star Wars shouldn’t be about politics, it shouldn’t have to worry about representing every different kind of person onscreen. No, Star Wars should be about light saber fights, space battles, and the boy getting the princess. Again, it’s what your audience WANTS.

mpvGpMgBut he won’t listen. He’ll just continue doing these kinds of things in his next movie. I’m certain Star Wars 3 will show us that the notorious gangster Jabba the Hutt is actually a cute little space puppy voiced by Mel Blanc. Boba Fett will take off his mask to reveal that he’s actually Farrah Fawcett, and then she and Han will fall in love. Princess Leia and Chewbacca will turn out to be brother and sister from different mothers, and Lando Calrissian will be their father.

One thing Lucas has proven with this trash heap of a movie is that anything is possible, that we should not try to guess what will happen, because whatever we think, it’ll be something we didn’t anticipate, want or need.

But I won’t be around to find out, and I beg you to join me! Let’s show Lucas that we are done with his manipulations and disappointments by refusing to support any of his work until he apologizes for The Empire Strikes Back and pledges to put Star Wars back on track! For example, word is that Lucas, Stephen Spielberg, and Harrison Ford are working on an action movie set in World War Two, but I say we sit this one out! Show Lucas and his friends that we aren’t going to have any more of it! DO NOT SEE THEIR NEW MOVIE, and that will show him that we mean business.

Speaking of business, you’ve probably seen in your TV Guide that the stars of Star Wars are making the rounds of the talk shows right now, talking up the movie. I want to organize a mass effort to let the sponsors of those shows know that we will boycott their products if they let the movie be promoted on their programs. No Hamill on Carson! No Ford on Mike Douglas! No Fisher on Donahue! But if they persist, I’m currently compiling a list of the scheduled appearances, so I’m going to have like-minded die-hard Star Wars fans gather en masse to protest, holding up signs that say “Not Our Star Wars!”, “Keep Space White!”, and “Vader Would Be A Terrible Dad!”

Join me, and together we can make it so that Lucas can’t show his face in public without our reminding him of his failure! Join me, and we can be the spark that’ll light the fire that’ll burn Star Wars down!

Sincerely,
Jedi Master Marvin S. Lymphburg,
Keller Der Mutter, Minnesota

This fictional letter from a really disappointed fictional über-fan is fictionally from the real August 1980 issue of the very real Starlog magazine. But not really.

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Are Christian Filmmakers Being Tapped To Direct Future Star Wars Stand-Alone Films?

A long time ago in galaxy close, close by…

The church had abandoned Hollywood. Then, THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST struck box office gold, studios created FAITH-BASED DIVISIONS, and little Christian films made BUCKETS OF MONEY. Now Christian films have earned over a BILLION DOLLARS for investors and studios over the past thirteen years.

With the recent successes of Dr. Strange, directed by Christian filmmaker SCOTT DERRICKSON and Rogue One, the first Star Wars standalone film, are the forces behind Star Wars hopping on the faith-based bandwagon? Are budding Christian filmmakers being considered as the new hope for the venerable space-based franchise?

Only time will tell….

“The Erwin brothers, Harold Cronk, Kirk Cameron, they’ve all been discussed, especially for a movie about Yoda, which would involve all kinds of spiritual mumbo-jumbo,” an anonymous source told us. But this source, who met with us in a nearby Starbucks dressed in a stormtrooper costume and calling himself “TR-3R”, went on to say that the Christian filmmakers who have risen to the top are veteran brother team, Alex and Stephen Kendrick, creators of the Christian film hits Facing the Giants, Courageous, Fireproof, and 2015’s War Room.

tr3r“The big dogs at Lucasfilm like the Kendrick’s grass-roots style of filmmaking, as well as their overt handling of spiritual issues,” TR-3R said. “They think the Kendricks could take a Yoda standalone to some really interesting places, exploring the spiritual aspects of the Force, maybe telling about how Yoda became converted to the light side in the first place. Me? I imagine it happening in a golden field with lots of sunlight. The Kendricks like to do that. It’s their lens flare.”

Considering the Kendrick’s focus on family issues such as parenting and marriage, we asked the source the odds that a Kendrick-directed standalone film would also explore something of Yoda’s homelife.

“They never tell me the odds, but this is something fans have been clamoring for,” TR-3R said enthusiastically, trying unsuccessfully to sip his coffee through his stormtrooper helmet. “They’ve seen Yoda living as a crotchety old single dude, but was he a good husband? A good dad? He helped train all those force-sensitive kids, but what about his own kids? The big dogs think that the Kendricks could really explore a domestic side of Yoda that we haven’t seen before.”

The source went on to say that a successful Kendrick-directed Star Wars film would also open the door for other filmmakers of faith to step in, as the studio hopes to release a new Star Wars film every year from now until the apocalypse.

When we pressed TR-3R for more details, he grew noticeably agitated and began muttering something about seeing the new VT-16. Then, saying he had to get back to the office, TR-3R quickly slid a folded piece of paper across the table and bolted outside without another word. He jumped into a black 1976 Corvette and drove away.

Incidentally, the Corvette’s license plate read THX-1138.

Unfolding the paper, the first thing we noticed was that it was written on Lucasfilm stationary. It had been stamped multiple times with “TOP SECRET” in bright red letters, and the paper had the heading: “Potential Future Faith-Based Star Wars Projects.”

Then, the following items were listed:

forceThe Force’s Not Dead – set between Episode 3 and 4, a young Luke Skywalker attends Mos Eisley Agricultural College only to find that his moisture farming professor doesn’t believe in the Force. Luke stands up to him, determined to prove that the Force is real. The film ends with an extended Figrin D’an and the Modal Newsboys concert in the cantina while the professor gets run over and killed by a landspeeder outside. Potential director: Harold Cronk. Potential producer: David A.R. White. Release date: December 2019.

Ben Hutt – set in the time between Episodes 3 and 4, Ben Kenobi, masquerading as a Hutt prince, is falsely accused of treason by his adopted brother (a clone soldier in the Republic Clone Army). After spending years exiled in space, Ben returns to Tatooine to seek revenge, but ultimately finds redemption. Possible roles for Ewan MacGregor and Morgan Freeman. Potential producers: Mark Burnett and Roma Downey. Release date: May 2020.

I’ve Got A Bad Feeling I’ve Been Left Behind – also set in the time between Episodes 3 and 4, this film would explore the chaos and mayhem resulting when the Jedi vanish in an instant, leaving behind smoking piles of clothes and lightsabers. Possible starring role for Nicolas Cage as a force-sensitive sceptic. Potential director: Paul LaLonde. Release date May 2021.

Droid’s Night Out – set in the time between Episodes 4 and 5, R2D2 decides to take C3PO out on a night on the town, leaving Luke, Han, and Chewie to take on all of the etiquette and protocol responsibilities at the rebel base. Of course, mistaken identities and disastrously hilarious mayhem results. Potential director: The Erwin Brothers. Release Date: December 2022.

Lumpawarrump’s Saving Life Day – set in the time between Episodes 5 and 6, Lumpawarrump is enjoying the annual Life Day extravaganza thrown by his sister until he realizes he needs to help out his visiting father, Chewbacca, who blames himself for Han Solo’s abduction by Boba Fett. Lumpy’s fresh look at Life Day provides Chewbacca the chance to see that the universe is bigger than his little problems, and that he needs to pull up his Wookie panties and go save his friend from the clutches of the vile gangster, Jabba the Hutt. The film ends with an extended wookie dance-off. Potential director: Kirk Cameron. Release Date: Life Day 2023, or perhaps Festivus.

star-war-roomStar War Room – set in the time between Episodes 6 and 7, Han Solo and Princess Leia’s marriage is in trouble, and it will take the efforts of the strange, wizened old Miss Maz to help Leia learn to tap into the force and save her marriage. The film ends with an extended force-enabled jump rope competition. Possible roles for Sadie Robertson as a young Leia and Alden Ehrenreich to continue playing young Han. Potential director: The Kendrick Brothers (if the Yoda movie is a success). Release Date: December 2024.

 

Pitch for the Christian Version of “Stranger Things”

 

The Christian media response to secular rap music was DC Talk.

The Christian media response to secular horror novels was Frank Perretti.

The Christian media response to YouTube was GodTube.

It was only a matter of time before there was a Christian media response to the summer hit, Stranger Things.

Gospileaks, the Christian media version of Wikileaks, has released this secret memo that was just sent to Moses Wesley, the CEO of the Koinonia Faith and Family Media Entertainment Group. Apparently, Peculiarer People (the Christian version of Stranger Things) has been greenlit and currently in preproduction.

Read the details below.

Title:

PECULIARER PEOPLE

Premise:

A one-hour thriller/drama concerned with life in the small town of Moriah, New York and the unusual things that happen there.

Logline:

When a young boy disappears, his widowed mother, a pastor, and his homeschool friends must confront frightening spiritual forces in order to get him back.

Synopsis:

Chapter 1: The Rapturing of Mark Falwell

1984, the Moody family basement. Four homeschooled boys are sitting in the basement, listening to Petra’s “More Power To Ya” [note: there are so many opportunities to take advantage of nostalgia for early 1980’s paraphernalia with this show idea – need to schedule a meeting with Lifeway and Family Christian bookstores to figure out how to cross-promote], while playing DragonRaid. [note: A Christian role-playing game that was popular in the 1980’s. They’ll be happy to bring it back, I’m sure]

The boys, all about age 10, are MATTHEW MOODY, MARK FALWELL, LUKE WHITEFIELD, and JOHN MCGEE. They are typical 10-year-old homeschooled children: respectful to parents, polite to each other, bright but not proud. In the game, they are using Scripture memorization in adventure campaigns, and in this scene, they are encountering the wicked dragon Abaddon, which they are fighting by quoting Scripture passages.

Their game is interrupted by Matt’s mother calling him to dinner. The boys are disappointed, but immediately obey the mother and pack up the game, putting everything away nicely. The boys go to leave, and in the process, we meet Matt’s sweet and friendly sister, HOPE, who – sitting on her bed cross-stitching, waves to them as they pass her room. The boys thank Mrs. Moody for her hospitality and then get on their bikes to ride home. [note: lots of good opportunities to model appropriate behavior and healthy family life here. Cross-promotion with Focus on the Family?]

echo-bikesThe boys are laughing joyfully and singing songs together as they ride home. First, Luke peels away as he reaches home, then John, until Mark is riding by himself in the darkness. The lights on his bike start to flicker, and then suddenly a menacing, dark figure stands on the road in front of him. Shocked, Mark crashes his bike in the forest and takes off for home on foot. When Mark arrives home, he opens the door to find the house empty. He locks the door, and then glances at a note on the refrigerator to see that his mother and older brother are at a Bible study.

He’s home alone.

Mark picks up the phone as is about to call the Bible study when the barking dog draws his attention back to the door. The shadowy figure can be seen through the fogged glass window, and it uses some sort of diabolical supernatural dark magic to open the lock from the outside. [note: will have to figure out how to film this so it’s not too scary for our family audience] This sends Mark scurrying out the back door and into a little shed. He looks around desperately for anything to help him. The only things are an old dusty Bible and an old Psalty toy. He grabs them both and then falls to his knees and begins to pray. The lights start to flicker in the shed, and then with one final flicker off and then back on, the shed is empty.

Mark is gone.

[Cue Title Card]

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The next morning, the scene opens with our first view of PASTOR ZECHARIAH TAYLOR. He’s brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror, humming “Sweet Hour of Prayer.” To establish that he is the pastor, he should be shown putting on a pastor’s collar.

Next, we are back in the Falwell house, where we meet Mark’s mother, ELISABETH FALWELL, who is talking to her son, AARON FALWELL. Turns out that when they’d returned home from Bible Study, they’d both assumed the other had checked on Mark. And now, he’s not in his room. Considering that Mark never disobeys, Elisabeth calls Mrs. Moody to see if Mark had been invited for a sleepover.

article-2120538-12578041000005DC-949_634x422The Moody’s are having a nice breakfast together [none of that frustrating Spielbergian dysfunctional family going on here – the children are listening and respecting the parents, the mother is preparing a lovely breakfast, the father is leading the children in morning devotionals] and Mrs. Moody tells Elisabeth that Mark had left promptly at 6:30 as had been agreed. Elisabeth’s concern grows. She prays.

The next scene shows the homeschool boys arriving at the public library to study together. As they lock their bikes, they are approached by two young bullies, LOT and JUDAS, who start to make fun of the boys’ faith – as evidenced by their “The Lord’s Gym” t-shirts [note: check and see what sort of Christian t-shirts were sold in the mid-1980’s. We want to be accurate here]. The boys – struggling with meekness and confidence issues – are too timid to stand up for themselves, and so they let the boys bully them. Having won, the bullies finally leave.

Cut to the public school, where we find Hope (who, being older, has started attending a public school part time) walking down the school hall with her accountability partner, DORCAS. Hope is confessing to Dorcas that a boy named Ace Temptor has been talking to her, and had even asked her on a date to help her study for her Christian history test. Dorcas is righteously angry, since Ace is a well-known womanizer who doesn’t attend church, and she and Hope had taken an abstinence pledge together. Hope is defensive and denies that anything bad will happen. Dorcas knows better, but Hope has changed since starting public school. As Hope walks away, Dorcas prays for her.

TheApostleNow we see the steeple for Mt. Moriah Community Church, where Pastor Taylor is the minister. As he enters his office, his secretary hands him a cup of coffee and tells him that Elisabeth Falwell is waiting for him in his office. Pastor Taylor goes to her (leaving the door to the office open, of course) and listens to her story. Elisabeth is concerned that Mark is gone, and Pastor Taylor suggests that perhaps he is at the Christian bookstore reading or listening to the latest CCM cassettes. Elisabeth wonders if Mark could have been raptured, but since no clothes were left behind, the pastor says he doubts it. They pray together.

We go to The National Institute for Atheist Science Research, where the atheist scientists are putting on protective suits and descending down some dark stairs. The leader of the atheist scientists is STEPHEN DAWKINS, a serious and humorless man, and right now he is especially upset. There is no prayer here, only hard and cold science. The scientists enter into the darkness of a big room and find their worst nightmare, a giant squishy gross demonic-looking substance. [note: we’ll definitely need some money for SFX]

Drew-Barrymore-in-Firesta-010This brings us to the introduction of another very important character, a mysterious girl who doesn’t talk. She is walking through the woods getting hungry [note: symbolizing spiritual hunger? I’ll talk to my nephew] when she comes upon “Ten Boom’s General Store and Bible Wholesaler”. When she goes into the store, she is tempted to steal some food, but upon seeing a Bible, changes her mind and approaches the sweet old lady working the cash register. The old lady, FANNY TEN BOOM, has pity on her and gives her some food.

Back in the library, the boys are interrupted in their diligent study by the friendly librarian, MR. LOGOS. Mr. Logos invites the boys to come back to his office, where he shows them his new ham radio, and they discuss how they can use it to encourage missionaries all over the world. But their excitement is interrupted by the arrival of Pastor Taylor, who says he needs to talk to the boys. The pastor takes them to the librarian’s office, where he asks them questions about Mark’s disappearance. He recommends that it would be better if they didn’t go looking for their missing friend, which puts the boys in a quandary as they balance their respect for authority and their desire to find Mark.

Ten Boom blesses the food the mysterious girl has in front of her, and then as the mysterious girl eats, the old woman tries to get her to talk. She asks the girl’s name, but the girl can’t answer. The old woman notices that the girl has a tattoo of a dove on her arm, and the mysterious girl indicates her that the tattoo is her name. Ten Boom calls a local Christian homeless shelter and tells them about the girl named DOVE.

In a strange dark room full of atheist scientists, they are listening to phone calls over sophisticated scientific equipment. They listen to the old woman’s call and then dial 666 on their inter-office phone. Dawkins picks up the phone, and he smiles wickedly. They’ve found the girl!

1235168795Pastor Taylor comes to Elisabeth’s house and starts to look around, trying to figure out what might have happened to Mark. She shows him the shed where Mark disappeared and finds – under some straw, and under a shaft of light – a small Psalty toy. The lights flicker and the camera shows Pastor Taylor sensing something in his spirit. “I need the church’s help on this one,” he tells Elisabeth, rushing out heroically to make some phone calls.

In the Moody home, the family is eating dinner. The father says that after dinner he will be joining the church search party to help look for Mark, and Matt continues to be bothered by not being able to help. They have a conversation about authority and respect. Hope, meanwhile, is struggling because she likes Ace, but she knows he’s also such a bad influence. She asks a question which leads her father to tell the story of his coming to Christ, a transformative experience that changed him from a hopeless sinner to a responsible family man. Hope makes the decision at that point that she will try to share her faith with Ace, no matter what – that she will save him. And simultaneously Matt makes the decision to help find Mark, no matter what. [note: they are both acts of defiance that will have consequences later on – bad choices that will earn good lessons]

After dinner in his bedroom, Matt uses his walkie-talkies to contact Luke and John. They decide to meet and look for Mark, even though it is disobeying their parents. Over the walkie-talkie, Matt prays for forgiveness, even while feeling that God will understand. Matt takes off on his bike, but as he’s leaving, he sees Ace climbing the frame of the house into Hope’s room. This is bad, but Matt doesn’t have time to counsel his sister. He rides off into the increasing gloom to find his friend.

hqdefaultUp in Hope’s room, she is working on her Christian history homework when there is a tap on the window. She’s shocked (but secretly happy) to see Ace outside, and she lets him in, where he promises to help her study her Christian history homework. It’s a perfect opportunity for Christian witness, she thinks. She doesn’t realize that Ace has other plans. Inappropriate plans. [note: a good lesson about opening the window of your heart to let Satan into your house]

Back at Fanny Ten Boom’s store, there is a knock on the front door. Ten Boom opens the door to find a representative from the Christian homeless shelter, who smiles and asks about the mysterious girl named Dove. But it’s not really a representative from the Christian homeless shelter – it is an evil atheist scientist looking for the mysterious girl. The evil scientist knocks the old woman on the head and she slumps to the ground. The mysterious girl goes running, but is cornered by two more evil scientists. She focuses her energies on them [note: good time for more SFX – “Stranger Things” goes too subtle on this part, we need to have a glorious light shining from above, perhaps the sound of angel voices?] – cries out “No weapon formed against me shall prosper! ISAIAH 54:17!!!” and the two evil scientists fall to the ground, unconscious. Dove runs out into the forest. Dawkins steps out of the general store, looking into the woods, scowling evilly.

Meanwhile, the boys have reached the spot where Mark disappeared, and they start looking for him, while the rain begins to fall.

999git_winona_ryder_059Back at the Falwell house, the phone rings, and Elisabeth picks it up. There are strange sounds, like devils playing ping pong, and there’s also breathing. Suddenly, very weak and quiet, we hear a child’s voice feebly singing the chorus to Petra’s More Power To Ya, followed by a loud screech, an electric shock, and the phone falls to the ground. Elisabeth cries to Aaron that it was Mark, that she knows her son’s voice, and Mark always loved Petra.

Back in the forest, the rain has started pouring. The boys are yelling, shining flashlights, looking for Mark. They are encouraging each other, building each other in the faith, quoting Scripture, even as they look. Suddenly, they hear the crunching sounds of someone coming through the underbrush, they turn their flashlights, and shine their lights into the face of Dove, whose face seems to be glowing from some inward radiance, even as she is soaked in the pouring rain.

FADE OUT

 

 

 

 

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Hollywood Finally Notices Success of Christian Films

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Hollywood has finally noticed the success of Christian films such as last fall’s War Room and 2014’s God’s Not Dead!

Los Angeles, California – Alex Boese of the Spaghetti Harvest Media Marketing Group (SHMMG) of San Bernardino, California announced at a press conference on Monday that his company has decided to take a page from the faith-based handbook. This year, SHMMG will begin encouraging studios to release secular film advertisements with relevant Bible verses.

A Hollywood po

A big Hollywood power lunch meeting from the 1950’s.

“At a recent big Hollywood power lunch meeting at Soho House,” Mr. Boese said, “I convinced some of the town’s biggest players that using the Bible is the best way to attract the elusive faith-based audience, a key rising demographic that has proven to have very deep pockets when they feel they are being serviced.”

Mr. Boese went on to explain that “faith-based” films (also known as “faith and family” films, “family-based and faith-building” films, “faith, family & family, faith” films, and “building family and faith in the faith and family building” films) have gained popularity over the past few years, in large part thanks to the grass roots social media marketing efforts of the small independent studios which produce them.

A key way these studios have utilized social media is by producing images showing key verses from the Bible and a logo of the film that can be easily shared from Christian film fan to Christian film fan. Often the images will also show stills from the films to help drive the Bible verse point home.

“If we want to attract that F&F audience, we have to play by their rules,” Mr. Boese commented. “If that means using the Bible to sell tickets, then so be it. After all, if the Bible is good enough for Christians as a marketing tool, then it’s good enough for us.”

Mr. Boese’s comments were briefly interrupted as a man started shouting about cheapening Scripture by using it to sell products, but he was quickly ushered out by SHMMG employees. The incident was quickly forgotten by those in attendance. [note to editor: consider redacting this paragraph]

Mr. Boese ended his presentation by revealing several different advertisement mockups that SHMMG had developed. He announced that these Bible advertisements would be likely soon begin showing up on each respective film’s social media feeds, pending approval of each film’s marketing department.

“This is a new day of partnership between Hollywood and the faith-and-family-based community,” Mr. Boese said confidently. “And by the way, using the Bible this way should help us to sell a LOT more tickets.”

Time will tell, Mr. Boese. Time will tell.

For more information, read this article.

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Letter from Gene Roddenberry Uncovered: Shocking Revelation!

“I wrote the Kirk/Spock relationship as a form of wish fulfillment. That’s how it was conceived, really,” Roddenberry said in a letter recently uncovered at CBS Studios. “For reasons that have very little to do with television and far more to do with me clinging to the plot as I first imagined it, Spock ended up with Kirk. If I could redo it, it would have been Kirk and Scotty as best friends, and Spock the minor comic relief.”

Gene-Roddenberry_l“I know, I’m sorry,” he added. “I can hear the rage and fury it might cause some fans, but if I’m absolutely honest, distance has given me perspective on that. It was a choice I made for very personal reasons, not for reasons of credibility. Am I breaking people’s hearts by saying this? I hope not.”

Letter from Gene Roddenberry recently uncovered at CBS Studios.