The Best News Story Ever

This story is – by far – the best thing I’ve read on the internet in a long, long, long, long time.

Police respond to woman screaming in apartment, find man inside afraid of a spider
By Will Heilpern, CNN – Posted Nov 26th, 2015

(CNN) – “Come on, mate, what have you done to her?”

Screen Shot 2015-11-27 at 11.13.59 AMPolice were questioning a “flushed” and “out of breath” man who had answered the door to a flat in Wollstonecraft, a small harbor side suburb of Sydney, Australia.

The booming sounds of a man shouting “I’m going to kill you” and a “woman screaming hysterically” had earlier echoed through the apartment block, sometime before 2:00 a.m., Saturday November 21. The commotion disturbed neighbors, who were quick to alert the local police force.

“Where’s your wife?” asked one of the policemen.

“I don’t have one,” the homeowner responded, after inhaling some air.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” the officer continued.

“I don’t have one,” he said.

Unsatisfied, the same policeman pressed: “We had a report of a domestic and a women screaming, where is she?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I live alone,” the man protested.

The officers then told the man that neighbors had heard death threats, screams and the crash of furniture being flung around the apartment.

“It was a spider,” the man tentatively explained.

“A really big one.”

Incredulous, the policeman asked: “What about the women screaming?”

“Yeah sorry that was me,” he said. “I really, really hate spiders.”

A new theory had emerged — the man was indeed alone in the apartment, he was responsible for both the “womanly” screams and the threats to kill. They were not aimed at a woman, but an eight-legged arachnid.

Read the rest here.

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